Celeb Courthouse

 
Photographers snapped Lindsay Lohan walking hand-in-hand with girlfriend Samantha Ronson over the weekend. Sam came to the LA set of “Labor Pains” to visit Lindsay and get a little pap attention.
And when I say “pap,” I mean “paparazzi,” not “papanikolaou,” you pervs.
Or whatever. I just had the best pizza ever from The Upper Crust, so […]

Jennifer Aniston played the role of supportive girlfriend over the weekend in London.
John Mayer performed at the Hard Rock Calling in Hyde Park on Saturday and Aniston was backstage to snap pics of her man in action.

The image of Michael Lohan blowing his lumpy man chowder into a plastic cup is not what I needed today. Barf. You know that shit is like Campbell’s chunky New England clam chowder. Double barf.

Anygross, Michael told E! News that he gave a DNA sample this morning for a paternity test. I know that it was probably done by blood or another way, but you know Michael insisted he drop his junk in a plastic cup.

Last week, Michael told the press that he had a secret daughter. He claims he effed some hobag named Kristi while he was separated from White Oprah. Years later, Kristi told Michael she had his daughter, Ashley, now age 13. Michael is now changing his tune, because he thinks something in the milk ain’t clean. Why did I just say that? That made me think of Michael’s chunky chowder jizz again.

Michael said, “We were together in July of ‘94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that’s when Dina and I were separated. [Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year.” Um…The Parent Trap came out in 1998. Somebody enroll this dumb bitch in a class at Sylvan Learning Center.

Michael went on to say that Ashley was born in June 1995, so he doesn’t think the timing adds up, “She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed.” Snowballed?! I bet she did and I bet Michael loves eating his own chowder….OK! I’ll stop. I’ve gone too far. No more talk about Michael’s chunky chowder!

He will have the results in 10-12 weeks and said he’s willing to step up if he is in fact Ashley’s daddy. By “step up” he means he’ll whore poor Ashley out to Hollywood, so that she can make some easy cash for him.

And Maury must be truly depressed that he didn’t get to handle this shit.

newVideoPlayer(”/denplay_def.flv”, 506, 423,”"); · It’s hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other…

Becks is seriously too hot to have a voice that sounds like Gay Al screeching while getting his mini-donut tickled. You know the joke that if you kick a dude in his nuts, his voice gets like Minnie Mouse on helium? Do you think the opposite will happen to Becks? If we keep kicking his nuts, will he sound like Bea Arthur with a chest cold? Sexy.

Above is Becks grabbing his wang bone during some sort of sports event yesterday. He plays soccer or something, right? It doesn’t matter. Bitch is always grabbing at that shit. You know Tommy Girl puts on a black leather catsuit, breaks into the locker room and puts itching powder in Becks shorts just so he can sit back and watch him scratch it.

Sadly, not all girly song-writing musicians are as easily whipped into shape as Joshua Kelley Heigl. And Jennifer Aniston is discovering this pesky factoid the hard way. In an attempt to gather some…

Poor John Mayer. There’s no escape now, holmes. [WIMB]
I don’t think your top fits. [YH]
You should go read my Glastonbury wrap-up. [AIW]
Miley Cyrus continues to torture us with her music. [CFW]
Heidi Montag wants to record a Christian music disc. [CS]
Is Eddie Murphy on the verge of retiring? [DS]
I really didn’t want to start my evening off […]

Guess who brought her puppy out this weekend?

As the clock ticks down to the planned (and totally insane!) October 17th release date of Oliver Stone’s W, more details are emerging about the plot and structure of what we’re still fairly convinced…